I'm Billy Mays and I'm here to tell you about TechMan's Technology Survival Kit, available only through this exclusive newspaper offer.

Yes folks, you can own TechMan's secrets that guarantee you'll never have to fear for your computer security again. Just think, never having to worry about viruses, Trojan horses, identity theft, computer crashes and any other of those pesky problems of modern life.

Here's what you get:

First, a stack of exclusive tips handwritten on compact index cards to ensure you have absolutely no -- that's zero -- tech problems in the future. A sample of the valuable suggestions:

Tip No. 1: Don't own a computer. "Billy, I don't have a computer," you say. But do you drive a car newer than the '70s? Do you have one of those big-screen HD TVs? Then you own a computer. So don't buy any electronic device that is in danger of having a computer in it. And trade in that new car on a Kaiser-Frazer.

"But Billy," you say, "I have a computer and if I don't use it, people will think I'm weird." To deal with that, I'll throw in, absolutely free, TechMan's Custom Desktop Decal, made of genuine plastic with a revolutionary clear adhesive backing.

Just paste the Desktop Decal over the screen of your monitor. You can even choose Windows or Apple icons. Everybody will think your computer is constantly in use.

But if that's too tough, try ...

Rule No. 2: Don't go onto the Internet.

We all know that baddies live on the Internet. If you knew a murderer lived in your neighborhood, would you knock on his door?

"But Billy," you whine, "the Internet is so useful, how will I get along without it?" Were you alive in the '80s? Where was your precious Internet then? You had to look things up in books, didn't you? You had to go to the library.

Or to buy other people's junk, you had to get up early on a Saturday and visit yard sales. There was no eBay so you could buy only your neighbors' junk, not everyone in the world's. Was that so tough?

But if you can't do without the Internet...

Rule No. 3: Don't use e-mail.

Return to the days when you knew your mailman and when it took three days to get a letter from Aunt Emma in Dravosburg.

Would the great American writer Edgar Allen Poe have been great if he had written "The Purloined E-mail"? Or how would the pope look sending out an encyclical e-mail? E-mail. Get over it.

This is just a taste of the great tips you get in TechMan's Technology Survival Kit. And what would you expect to pay for something this valuable? $39.95? $29.95? No. Through this exclusive newspaper offer you can get this kit for only $19.95.

And I'm not finished yet. I'll throw in another booklet with even more valuable tips like: Remove your hard drive. And as an added bonus, you'll get, absolutely free, a copy of TechMan's Computer Security Tips from the Amish and Mennonites, chock full of great tips like: Don't have electricity in your house.

Just think of the peace of mind you'll have. No more sleepless nights worrying about computer security. No more spam.

So order now, before this offer expires.