This topic may be disturbing, particularly if you have recently died.

It has come to my attention that the vast array of things you can buy from Costco includes burial caskets.

Costco Wholesale offers deals on 18-gauge steel coffins -- sounds like nobody's getting out of that! -- as low as $1,299.99, including shipping to the funeral home or Transylvanian castle of your choice.

And it's Costco, so you probably get an even lower price if you buy in bulk.

Expiring is an extremely expensive, uh, undertaking, and if you can save money on a box you're going to look at for a few hours and then put in a hole and throw dirt on, I say seize the opportunity. A casket is just a container for a corpse; some would say the same of wedding rings, and you can get those at Wal-Mart.

Looking at Costco's offerings did get me wondering whether they were the only source for discount coffins, and, of course, they are not. I took a few ghoulish minutes to surf the online mail-order possibilities, and it was a real education. There are so many more flamboyant and personal options than the tired old sober black box with metal fittings and white lining that screams "blandness" and "death" and "taste."

You can get caskets decorated with what looks like the custom airbrush mural on a 1978 Econoline van with shag carpet on the steering wheel. I bet the stereo system is fantastic. And think how you could enliven a funeral with lowriding.

These technicolor coffins go for $2,799.99 and immortalize the occupant's hobby or job, with themes like "Gone Fishin'," "Memories of the Hunt," "The Last Ride" (bikers) or "Last Haul" (truckers) and "Fairway to Heaven." There's also a "Last Supper" model with da Vinci's whole cast on the side.

A company called Eternal Image is working on a line of caskets and urns for fans of everything from "Star Trek" to Precious Moments. A lot of these items are not yet available, but they do sell a number of official Major League Baseball urns. According to the Web site, each coated aluminum urn "sits atop a 'home plate' base outlined in black. Each also features a baseball display dome at the top in which a favorite collectible baseball can be displayed. (Please note: the urn comes with a baseball, which the purchaser or family can replace with a special ball from their own collection.)"

The 13 teams currently available do not include the Pirates. With any luck, admittedly in short supply for Pirates fans, that omission will soon be rectified, and Pittsburgh fans will have a suitable receptacle for the ashes of their hopes every summer.

And what a great way to stick it to that boorish uncle you never liked, or your smart-alecky brother-in-law: Stick his cremains in a Yankees urn or coffin. Then sit back and smile in the knowledge he's spinning in it.

I notice a lot of these themed and decorated caskets have an image or writing embroidered or appliqued on the lining inside the lid. A buck, or a motorcycle, or "Mother" in script. Who is this for, exactly? When the lid is closed, this will be right over the face of the deceased. If you're going to embroider something there, it should probably be, "IF YOU CAN READ THIS, WE OWE YOU AN APOLOGY."

There are now plus-size coffins for the wider departed, and even build-your-own wooden boxes for $499.97. What a cheery home DIY project for your favorite hypochondriac.

(The weird part isn't that you can get a flat-pack assembly-required casket. The weird part is that it doesn't come from IKEA. They are totally missing the boat on this. We're all going to die someday, and we've all got three or four of their Allen wrenches in our toolboxes. All they need is an unpronounceable Swedish name like STIFSTØR.)

If you buy one of these coffins in advance, what do you do with it while you're still breathing? Coffee table? Winter home for patio furniture? Stand it upright in the basement like an old fridge? Jumping out of it to frighten children is only feasible on Halloween, though leaving it on your porch all the time would likely keep salesmen and Mormons at bay.

I suppose a big roomy box decorated with a mural of a golf course could come in handy for storing your clubs. Or six dozen rolls of toilet paper purchased at, say, Costco.

Some people just can't resist a bargain, but I don't think I'll be ordering one. I wouldn't be caught dead in it.